A long lost stranger enters my check out line,
waiting to pay for his groceries.
As I scan his items one by one,
A deep, unsettling feeling comes over me.
Words finally leave his mouth,
as he’s looking directly at my nametag.
“Such a pretty name,” he exclaims.
After a few seconds pass,
and I’m standing there in disdain,
he objectively says to me,
“I have a daughter with that name.”
“I am your daughter,” I replied without hesitation.
And in that moment I’m fighting to keep my anger inside.
I think and try to rationalize with myself;
Does he really have no idea who I am?
How could he be so cold, and act like I’m just another person walking this earth?
I meticulously reach for all the strength within me,
take in a gasping, sorrowful breath,
and wait for his unsympathetic response.
And to my expectation he has absolutely nothing to say.
All my life the only thing I truly wished for was to have my dad by my side.
To feel like I mean’t something to him,
to feel like I was important enough in his life,
that maybe just maybe he would leave the alcohol and drugs behind.
Those wishes brought me nothing but emptiness,
and took away a piece of me I will never get back.
Daddy, will it ever end?
When will you finally see what you’ve done to me?
Will you finally stop drinking for a day in your life, and try to find me?
alcohol has taken over your soul,
leaving you senseless,
no longer in control.
Was it all worth it?
Was giving me up in exchange for a life of drugs worth it?
Did you ever think of me in your darkest hour?
Did any regrets soar through your mind as you thrushed a needle in your skin,
or when you took the bottle to your head?
You washed away all your pain and angst in a way that would never suffice.
You looked me dead straight in the eyes, and couldn’t even recognize your own creation.
Your own flesh and blood that never gave up, never stopped waiting.
Do you want to know what the worst part is?
I waited for you, with every hope that somewhere out there you were waiting for me too.
That maybe, for some god forsaken reason, You searched and searched but just couldn’t find me.
But that was all my disillusions,
tucked neatly inside my brain as a coping mechanism.
You’re a selfish person that left a smoldering cold little girl out to dry.
You will keep running away from your mistakes,
and I will finally stop giving you reason.
Keep on trucking dad, like you always have,
for I’m no longer going to chase after you.
You left me with no choice, no hope, and no love.
I will relinquish no more tears,
and take away all my fears.
The alcohol & drugs have finally won,
and this is where the never ending road ends.
I love you long lost stranger.
Daddy… This is where it ends. ~
[Poem I wrote for a person struggling with the absence of her father.]