I lost myself.

 I’m in this never waking dream,

tormented from reality it seems.

Have you ever dug a hole so deep into the ground,

that the feeling that passes over you about death becomes so poisonous.

I’m a lost girl, in a big world of liars, hypocrites, pedophiles, and rapists.

Lost.

thrown off the face of the earth,

like a piece of disgusting trash.

I am lost, where even if the strongest soul on this dreadful planet, tried to find me;

They would be a million miles in the wrong direction.

lost.

The point of no return seeps into my delicate veins,

and causes catastrophe.

I am lost, and that’s where I will remain.

In this casket, causing no dismay.

my whole life has been a jumble of riddles,

riddling me speechless.

I’m fine, I’m there, ready to push full throttle,

and disappear.

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Twinkle, Twinkle.

I fall back, without hesitation,
feeling my body freely hit the pavement.
and in that moment in time I felt weightless.
My eyes can’t seem to do anything but stare at the gorgeous star-gazed sky.
And in that moment, I am free.
Twinkle, Twinkle, I see the glimmer of the stars.
Almost as if I could hear the galaxy whispering thoughts,
straight to my deaf ears.
I search galliantly for these thoughts being misconstrued on the other side.
I clothe myself, waiting for destruction to arise.
I clothe myself, waiting for the moment that could bring genocide.
Twinkle, Twinkle, I see the glimmer of the stars.
Lying on my back,
I let all the star’s aura’s feed into me.
I can feel the strength the hearts of stars give off,
and I find myself Singing to every star that comes to pass.
“Twinkle Twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,”
Something within me just stops.
Something’s telling me this is the right place, but at a very wrong time.
To take something so otherworldly,
has it’s costs.
And in this exact moment, I’m free.
Free from danger that was set upon me.
Stars once so beautiful, have now created an adverse reaction.
Your spies aren’t welcome here.
Stars that bring madness, succumb themselves to death.
When you look to the skies, you reach for peace.
Not sadness, along with pain & disbelief.
Twinkle Twinkle little star …. we now know exactly what you are.

Need to Find Myself.

Honesty.

Being truthful to others,

and more importantly yourself.

Day by day, night by night;

Time flies by,

And no matter how hard I try,

I remain lost and torn apart inside.

If only we could grab a remote and pause time at any moment.

It would be then that I could finally get a chance to take everything in.

Take all my burdens and pain, and magically turn them into paper,

and throw pound by pound into a fire.

If only time would freeze long enough for me to catch my breath,

long enough for me to find myself.

I walk down a long hallway full of mirrors,

back to back.

Everytime I gaze into each mirror;

other faces, complete strangers, look back at me.

Will I ever know who I truly am inside?

Like a bum, with no home, no map,

I’m physically and mentally trapped.

Living in a world full of clowns,

and the world itself is a circus,

with no way out.

Step by step,

house to house,

I travel the streets,

confused and anihilated.

In order to be free, in order to find me,

I need to break down my walls of insecurity.

I need to take the good with the bad,

no matter how fearful of life I am.

I need to realize that I will always be a complex mind,

refined, disaligned, strong, yet beautiful.

When my denial finally breaks;

I will be ready to face the demons.

The demons that burrated and dug themselves a tiny hole in my soul.

And all that I thought I was before,

will finally sink into the vast ocean.

Then, the me, no one could ever see,

will have enough strength to take in the truth.

And destroy the circus of clowns,

 that are tearing the world down.

Random Tittle Twisted Joy

A warped tittle twisted boy,

finds his own declaration of Joy,

by means of worst intentions.

The entire planet earth could shatter into a trillion minut pieces,

and that would bring you no closer to the chaos he hides behind his audacious eyes.

A Random warped tittle twisted boy,

born to ravage everyone’s lives apart.

Joy succumbs after finding that perfect person;

perfect person to slowly rip to shreds.

Who is this daredevil, thrill-seeking menace?

He’s waiting patiently outside your window,

with his thoughts racing, soul shaking, evil smile.

He will give you just one chance to defy his intellect.

He will make you think you’ve found hope.

He will twist it all around, and make you doubt yourself.

just for a moment.

Then the game really starts.

He smashes through your window,

and leaps inside to catch the girl.

The innocent girl he’s been waiting and watching for all along.

The screams and cries from her tortured soul,

makes him want the taste of death even more.

hope only lasts so long, until you break.

He’s found his random tittle Twisted joy,

with no air, no pulse; she’s gone.

He brought his random tittle twisted joy over the bridge,

for one last peaceful free fly into the swamp.

Remembering all that’s lost.

Your silhouette fades in the distance,

remembrance of your beautiful face is lost.

not one tear shed,

not one word spoken,

just gone.

like you were a figment of my imagination.

i got lost in your smile,

demolished by those once truthful eyes.

i take a step towards you,

and the earth shakes at my feet.

the sharpest pain runs across my chest,

i grab at my heart,

to realize it’s gone.

violently ripped from my chest,

and resting in your delicate hands.

those hands that once lifted me up,

only to smash me into the ground.

you stop,

mid-step,

turn around,

and gaze into my eyes.

one tear finally drops from those eyes,

and for that moment i die inside.

knowing that ‘this is it’,

the final goodbye.

Shelter from the storm.

If I drown tonight,

Bring me back to life.

Your hands so delicate,

so fragile,

carry such heavy burdens.

Let me show you what true love is like,

Let me fall into your warm embrace,

and Help my restless soul find my way home.

In this wrath of dark waters,

I fight with all my will to swim to shore.

I lift my hopeful eyes above water,

take a deep, gasping breath,

and I got lost in this euphoric trance,

for all I see is you.

I keep my fondest memory of you,

in the safest place I’ve known,

and it gives me the strength I’ve always needed,

to conquer my deepest fears.

She completes the half of me that’s empty,

and gives me shelter from the storm.

Love or Life?

Love or Life?

A question that digs itself a deep crevasse inside your benevolent mind.

To allow yourself to love someone,

and break down those walls,

can bring pain.

To run from it and save your life,

can bring regret.

Would you prefer a life without dancing in the rain,

or a life where you take risks with your heart,

knowing that at any moment your whole world could be torn apart?

How do you forget about love,

when that magnetic, and spiritual connection in itself makes you want to survive?

A life without love would never suffice,

no matter the price.

Love or Life?

Good question.

Hiding is the easy road.

Closing yourself off from the person who means the most to you,

could also be deadly.

It’s your choice.

But my question is finally answered,

I choose a Life with love.

I choose the ladder.

Remembering to breathe.

Here I sit, on this loveseat filled with stars and suns, wondering how I got here. I’m on my 7th chain-smoked cigarette, and im thinking that maybe if I wasn’t puffing on a cancer stick every 2 seconds I might actually be able to breathe and think straight for once in my crazy life. I don’t have much these days; a car that’s a piece of shit, 3 smushed faced cats I call my kids, and my imaginary one way ticket in my back pocket. I’ve seemingly become what most people call a ‘hermit’, living every waking moment of this so-called life with my head in the clouds. I would give anything for just 3 minutes of complete sanctuary in my mind. Is that too much to ask? I guess I’m just dreamer with way too many wishes, because I doubt that will ever happen. 

I have this song stuck in my head, “H.” by tool. The words transcend me to places I’ve never been. 

” What’s coming through is alive. What’s holding up is a mirror. But what’s singing songs is a snake, Looking to turn my piss to wine. They’re both totally void of hate, But killing me just the same.

 The snake behind me hisses What my damage could have done, My blood before me begs me Open up my heart again. And I feel this coming over like a storm again. Considerately. Venomous voice, tempts me, Drains me, bleeds me, Leaves me cracked and empty. Drags me down like some sweet gravity. I am too connected to you To slip away, fade away. Days away I still feel you Touching me, changing me, Considerately killing me. Without the skin here, Beneath the storm. Under these tears now,The walls came down. And as the snake is drowned, And as I look in his eyes, My fear begins to fade Recalling all of those times, I could have cried then. I should have cried then. And as the walls come down And as I look in your eyes My fear begins to fade Recalling all of the times I have died and will die. It’s all right, I don’t mind.”

The music brings me back to a place I once felt nurtured and safe. A place where those that I terribly miss are right there with me. Memories have begun to fade like broken glass, and that scares me. Scares me to know that when I try to envision their faces, I’m left with a blurry mirage. I don’t want to forget them. I don’t want to lose the only piece of them I have left; their smile. Life is just shit, really. You get close to people, only to have them be erased from your life like they were never even there in the first place. What a crock of shit. So we just have to keep on going, opening doors to new people in our lives, not knowing when all the fun will end. Too many changes, in so little time. I guess being a hermit is my best game play for the time being. less people in my life, means less people to lose right? At least I can hope.

rant over.

Daddy, Will it ever end?

A long lost stranger enters my check out line,

waiting to pay for his groceries.

As I scan his items one by one,

A deep, unsettling feeling comes over me.

Words finally leave his mouth,

as he’s looking directly at my nametag.

“Such a pretty name,” he exclaims.

After a few seconds pass,

and I’m standing there in disdain,

he objectively says to me, 

“I have a daughter with that name.”

“I am your daughter,” I replied without hesitation.

And in that moment I’m fighting to keep my anger inside.

I think and try to rationalize with myself;

Does he really have no idea who I am?

How could he be so cold, and act like I’m just another person walking this earth?

I meticulously reach for all the strength within me,

take in a gasping, sorrowful breath,

and wait for his unsympathetic response.

And to my expectation he has absolutely nothing to say.

All my life the only thing I truly wished for was to have my dad by my side.

To feel like I mean’t something to him,

to feel like I was important enough in his life,

that maybe just maybe he would leave the alcohol and drugs behind.

Those wishes brought me nothing but emptiness,

and took away a piece of me I will never get back.

Daddy, will it ever end?

When will you finally see what you’ve done to me?

Will you finally stop drinking for a day in your life, and try to find me?

alcohol has taken over your soul, 

leaving you senseless,

no longer in control.

Was it all worth it?

Was giving me up in exchange for a life of drugs worth it?

Did you ever think of me in your darkest hour?

Did any regrets soar through your mind as you thrushed a needle in your skin, 

or when you took the bottle to your head?

You washed away all your pain and angst in a way that would never suffice.

You looked me dead straight in the eyes, and couldn’t even recognize your own creation.

Your own flesh and blood that never gave up, never stopped waiting.

Do you want to know what the worst part is?

I waited for you, with every hope that somewhere out there you were waiting for me too.

That maybe, for some god forsaken reason, You searched and searched but just couldn’t find me.

But that was all my disillusions,

tucked neatly inside my brain as a coping mechanism.

You’re a selfish person that left a smoldering cold little girl out to dry.

You will keep running away from your mistakes,

and I will finally stop giving you reason.

Keep on trucking dad, like you always have,

for I’m no longer going to chase after you.

You left me with no choice, no hope, and no love.

I will relinquish no more tears, 

and take away all my fears.

The alcohol & drugs have finally won,

and this is where the never ending road ends.

I love you long lost stranger.

Daddy… This is where it ends. ~

———————————————–

[Poem I wrote for a person struggling with the absence of her father.]